Dear Diary
by Jedi Jesi Jiin
Summary: Luke Skywalker stumbles upon a very interesting thing while doing a routine cleaning...
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Diary**

_**A/N:**__ This is going to be a series of journal entries by Mara Jade starting from her childhood. And as such, I will be updating this particular story for some time. So if you read, feel free to follow the story so you can keep up with new "journal entries". Thanks for taking the time to read my works!_

**Discovery**

Luke Skywalker strode purposefully through the _Jade Shadow_, hauling a bag of trash. He and his son, Ben Skywalker were doing a routine cleaning of the yacht. Ben had volunteered to do an external cleanse while his father worked on the interior. Luke set the bag of trash down beside the loading ramp, and walked aft. The last thing he had to do was check the weapon's locker to take an inventory.

Luke opened the door and started taking out each weapon in turn, inspecting each one thoroughly. He made it halfway through his task when he noticed something that looked out of place. At the base of the locker was a bulge, showing through a neat stack of military-grade blankets.

Pulling the stack carefully out of the structure, Luke heard something clump heavily to the floor. Frowning, Luke looked around the lump of cloth in his arms and spotted a long black box.

Curiosity got the better of him, and he discarded the blankets into an unceremonious heap on the floor. Then Luke knelt and picked up the box.

When he opened it, he felt a wave of surprise wash through him. Ben's presence touched his curiously, wondering what was happening. Luke reassured his son that all was fine as he stared at something he had not seen in decades.

Actual books lay in a neat row in the black box, marked on the binding with hand-written numbers. Luke sucked in a breath.

_I know that hand writing._ He thought.

Cautiously, and lovingly, Luke picked up the first of several books. It was thick, black, and it had a worn appearance as though it had been regularly used. He paused when his eyes found a small lock on the front of the book, denying him access.

Luke frowned, wondering why a bunch of locked books with Mara's handwriting would be tucked away like this. He looked through the rest of the box for a key, and found it behind a false siding.

Luke unlocked the book, tucked the key back into the box, and took a deep breath. He opened the book hesitantly, wondering what he would discover.

When his eyes fell on the first page, he simply stared.

There on the page was a simple drawing of an animal in a cage, obviously drawn by a young child. He wondered what child had drawn this for his wife, and turned the page.

What he found next startled him even more, and he felt his mouth fall agape.

_Dear diary,_

_I am Mara Jade, and I found this book in a pawn shop deep in Coruscant's under levels._

Luke almost dropped the book. His heart thumped almost painfully in his chest. There, written in the handwriting of a small child, was a journal entry from his wife. Luke flipped through the book, seeing that every page was filled with the same childish handwriting.

Then he glanced at the rest of the books, each slightly different, yet each worn and well used.

Luke wondered how he could have never noticed them. All the time he had spent with her, and as well as he knew her, he'd never known her to keep a diary.

And the fact that Mara had never brought it up meant that it had been an extremely tender subject for her. And if she had been alive today and spotted him reading her personal diary… Luke shuddered to think what she might have done.

_But she's gone now. I don't think she will mind anymore._

So Luke sat down, leaned back against the wall, and started reading again.

_Dear diary,_

_I am Mara Jade, and I found this book in a pawn shop deep in Coruscant's under levels. If the Master knew I had this and was keeping a personal diary, he'd be very upset. So I will have to find a place to hide you, diary._

_Today Master Palpatine made me train so hard that my feet are bleeding. They hurt so bad I can hardly walk. But I don't dare cry in front of him, because that would only make things worse. But I have to talk to someone, somebody who won't judge me or talk back. And I guess that's you, diary. How stupid is it that I have only you to talk to? If Master Palpatine found out, I'd really be in big trouble for appearing crazy._

_Maybe I am crazy. I did steal you, after all. I think Master would be proud of that, at least. The shop owner didn't even see me… Oh! Someone's coming! Got to go._

_~M.J._

Luke inhaled raggedly. Knowing what Mara had endured was one thing; reading about it in her own words was something else entirely. Fresh emotion swirled through him as Luke re-read about her feet.

He turned the page, eager to see what was next.

_Dear diary,_

_I'm back. I think it has been about a week. Oh, and I found a great place to hide you. I cut a barely noticeable slit in my mattress, and can shove you inside when I need to._

_Today I watched as Master punished an entire family for the mistake of their father. I wanted to scream with them, but Master would have simply turned his anger on me too. So I watched, and now that I have a moment alone, I have to ask… why can't I remember MY family?_

_I know Master has been going into my mind to help me, or at least, that's what he tells me. But I can't help but feel that I used to know my parents. And I could have sworn I had a sister…_

_It is so lonely here. I wish Master would let me have a friend. But it's probably for the best. Master is very good at using people's loved ones against them._

"Don't I know it, Mara." Luke murmured in consent.

_Tomorrow Master said he will continue my mental conditioning, so I should probably get some sleep._

_~M.J_

"Dad?"

Luke jerked, looking up. Ben stood just to his right, looking at his father curiously.

_I didn't even notice him._ Luke thought with chagrin.

"What is it Ben?"

"What's that?" His son asked, gesturing to the box of books.

Luke pondered for a moment if he should tell his son the truth. Ben had a right to know.

"I think these are journals your mother kept." He answered at last. "I found them in the weapons locker."

Ben looked surprised, and then something strange crossed his features. "And you're reading them?"

Luke nodded, smirking. "I am, and I find the contents so far to be quite interesting."

"If you say so, Dad." Ben looked once more like a teenager, causing Luke to grin.

"I suppose this means you don't want to read them too?" Luke teased.

Ben held up his hands emphatically. "No! Diaries are not my thing."

Luke chuckled.

"Anyway, I'm finished with the outside. Are you done?" Ben asked, looking pointedly at the pile of weapons and cloth on the floor.

Luke looked at the mess, and shrugged.

"I'm not done, but if you are, then you can go. I'll see you later."

Ben glanced at the book in his father's hands, and then turned to leave.

"See you later Dad."


	2. Dance Class

**Dance Class**

_Dear diary,_

_Today was actually really fun! Though I could never say that to Master, because if he knew I was having fun when I was supposed to be learning, I don't know how he would take that. I did thank him for taking me to the Ballet. It was such a pretty performance!_

_I know Master wants me to learn fine arts so I can be a better Hand, that's what Master Palpatine calls me, his Hand. I can't wait to start taking dance lessons! I even got to meet the maestro! _

_I had better get to sleep, because Master says tomorrow begins very early._

_~M.J_

Luke smiled as he remembered how Mara had danced for him on occasion. She had always been so graceful, so… perfect.

Sighing at the memory, he turned yet another page, barely noticing how much time had passed.

_Dear diary,_

_Dance lessons went very well! I think Master was quite pleased that I did so well my first time! I dance for the Master tomorrow! I am so nervous, because if I fail to impress him, it will hurt. _

_I hope he doesn't want me to do anything too advanced yet, because I just started._

_~M.J_

Luke tried to picture Mara taking her dance classes. He pictured a young red-headed girl pirouetting and moving gracefully through her dance routine. Flipping to the next page, Luke wondered if Mara had written about her test results.

_Dear diary,_

_Master was very impressed with my dance test! He told me he was proud of me! Master Palpatine is proud of me! I'm so happy right now!_

Luke frowned as he caught the enthusiasm in the journal entry. Palpatine had obviously wasted no time in completing Mara's 'mental conditioning'. He'd made it so that she sought for his approval, and so that it made her happy to have it.

He returned to his reading.

_Master promised me that if I work very hard, he will take me to another ballet! Can you believe it! And he promised that I can go shopping for a new dress too! I hope he will let me get one of those fancy ones I see many of the women wear at his grand balls. _

_I must work really hard, because I really, really want to go to the ballet! But…_

_Oops! Someone's coming!_

_~M.J_


	3. A Lesson in Failure

**A Lesson in Failure **

_**A/N:**__ Please note: the second journal entry is written in the way that it is to illustrate the state of Mara's body at the time of her journal entry, so bear with me please…_

Luke sat back against the bulkhead, still holding the first journal, but now near the end of that particular book. Mara had grown with her entries and now she was about ten years old according to her latest birthday entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_Tomorrow I have a very important test. I have to infiltrate a ball being held by one of Master's least favorite Moffs. I am supposed to get into the event unnoticed, tag the Moff without him noticing, and then I have to exit without being seen. This is going to determine if I am ready to step up to more advanced training. _

_I really hope I do well, because I like to make the Master happy… it hurts less. _

_Until next time,_

_~M.J_

Luke turned the page eagerly, wanting to see how Mara had fared in her task. What he found on the next page nearly stopped his heart. The writing on the page was barely legible, and it was splattered here and there with dried blood stains. Luke stared in horror, and with a sinking feeling, he slowly deciphered the text.

_Dear Diary,_

_I can… barely write, because my… hand… is so swollen and bloody… that I have to use the Force… to keep the pen… steady. I hurt… so bad! I have pain… everywhere. And I… cannot tell… if I am actually… writing what I mean to write._

_Obviously I did a less than… perfect performance. I infiltrated… without any problems… but when I tried to… get near the… Moff… I was caught… and when I failed to persuade… the guards that I belonged in… the party… I was thrown out._

_Master was so furious… that he had me beaten until… I saw stars. I think the Red Guard member broke at least… one rib. My hands are swollen… and bleeding because they crushed them with heavy tools. _

_Master said that I… got off with a light scathing! I can't imagine what any other higher… levels of punishment… would be like… for failure._

_I have to go… my hand is… shaking uncontrollably... now…_

_I… won't be… writing… for a while._

_~M.J_

Luke felt burning tears of outrage at the abuse Mara had sustained at the hands of Palpatine and his Red Guard. He dropped the book and pounded an angry fist against the weapons locker.

"Dad?"

Luke looked up sharply, mind whirling. Ben rushed around the corner, grabbing for his father in the Force.

"What's wrong?" Ben asked before coming to a stop. "Dad, have you been here all night?"

Luke frowned, and glanced at a chrono on the wall. Only then did he realize that it was indeed late morning.

"I guess I have been." Luke said hoarsely, working moisture back into his mouth.

Ben cocked an eyebrow, looking at the journal beside his father.

"I stopped by your room this morning and saw that you weren't home, so I came here looking for you. When I got close I felt your anger." Ben looked Luke in the eye. "What's got you all riled up?"

Luke cleared his throat. "I was reading a particularly… disturbing journal entry."

"Then why don't you call it quits?" Ben asked.

Luke shook his head. "No, I _want_ to read these." Then he added quietly, "I have to."

"I understand, Dad. But maybe you could intersperse some regular activities into your reading time? Like eating a meal." Ben suggested, and upon sniffing the air close to his father, he added with a smirk. "Or you could take a shower."

Luke caught a whiff his clothes and winced. He still smelled from the previous day's work.

"Hmm… good point."


	4. Sweethearts Day

**Sweethearts Day**

Luke settled into his bed after a good day's work, ready to relax and read more about his beloved Mara. He had finished the first book of journal entries, and was ready to delve into the second. This new book was brown, and it seemed less worn and used than the first had been, suggesting less frequent use.

Luke opened to the first page, and immediately saw a change. In Mara's first diary, she had always begun her entries with the heading _Dear Diary_ but that heading was gone now. He flipped casually through the pages, noting the same thing on many other pages.

Returning to the beginning of the journal, Luke began to read.

_Tomorrow is Sweethearts Day. A ridiculous holiday, if you ask me. What is the point of a romantic holiday if there is no romance in your life? I have no friends, and certainly no boyfriends. However, I do have a 'date' with a man the Emperor wants tagged. And by tagged, I mean marked for death. Tomorrow I will be making my first kill._

Luke started, frowning. This journal entry, according to the way Mara had explained her first kill, would have been years after the end of her first journal. Luke wondered why she had stopped writing for so long. But the difference in this journal entry was starkly different from the first book. This journal entry was sounding much more like the Mara Luke had known and loved.

He shrugged, and returned his eyes to the page.

_This assassination will mark my graduation in a sense. I will be moving on to bigger and better assignments. And if I succeed, maybe I will finally get to have a room and a place of my own. I am sick of these damned barrack s I seem to be constantly thrown into. _

_Anyway, I guess this Moff has really stepped on Master's toes, because he wants the rat dead yesterday. I will be going on a 'date' with the Moff, posing as a dancer, and when he takes me to a private place, I will end his life. _

_And by so doing I will earn myself some freedom, and respect: and people will finally have to accept my lethal grace. _

_~M.J_

Luke flipped the page, wondering if this more familiar version of his wife would write about her assignment after the fact like she had in previous entries.

_Well, the scumbag is dead, and I can't be happier about it. I know Master is very pleased. The term rat, that u used earlier might have been too kind a term to describe the Moff. He was a Hutt in a human's body, and though I am not surprised by his selfish ways (a common thing among Imperial Elite) I was disgusted at how uncivilized he was. He tried to get me to 'dance' with him in bed, and I had to hold back the urge to vomit on him. _

_Although, in hind sight, the look on his face as I ruined his perfect uniform would have been card-worthy! _

Luke found himself chuckling as he imagined Mara would have upon writing this.

_Anyway, a for the Sweethearts Day part, my present was the Emperor granting me my own place! FINALLY! I will get out of this stupid room, and have some space to move._

_I will be moving to my new apartment next week in the Imperial Palace, upper levels! _

_Some one's coming. _

_~M.J_

Luke sat back, remembering his first Sweethearts day with Mara. That had been one very special occasion. He remembered Mara claiming for days beforehand that it was her least favorite holiday.

"It's a ridiculous day for single people to remember that they are still bachelors." Mara had said.

"But you're not single anymore, My Love."

She'd looked at him, as if just remembering that, and then her expression had softened.

"I guess I've always shunned it, because I've never had anyone I actually _wanted_ to share it with."

That night she'd made love to him like never before, and Luke felt a great sense of longing.

His first Sweethearts Day without Mara had been a dreadful day, but Luke pushed those memories away, choosing to instead focus on the happier times.


	5. A Newfound Freedom

**A Newfound Freedom**

_My apartment is amazing! I have an awesome view of the Manarai Mountains, and at sunset, the glowing orb sets down right behind those beautiful peaks. I have a full bed! I'm not usually all sappy, but I will allow myself to be happy with my new home. It is furnished lightly, just as I like it, but it needs a touch of tasteful décor. Maybe I can pick something up while on my first assignment off Coruscant._

_My favorite thing about my apartment is my balcony where I can sit, relax, and enjoy a steaming cup of caf. And of course, breathe actual air, not the recycled crap back at the barracks like room I used to call home. _

_I have been in my new home for three days now. Not many people know who I am yet, but trust me when I say that they will know and respect my name. _

Luke lifted an eyebrow at that. This was definitely the Mara he had met on Myrkr all those years ago. He read on.

_Enough sappy junk, Mara, get back to business. I have a meeting with Master to discuss my first assignment as the Emperor's Hand. _

_~M.J_

Luke turned the page, but before reading further, he sipped from a glass of water on his bedside table.

_I leave in the morning for Naboo, where a pesky senator needs to be dealt with. E is causing nothing but trouble for Master Palpatine. I'm eager to see Naboo, though if Master knew that, he's kill me. _

_I am also finding out how hard it is maintain a public cover now that I am free to move around. Several young men have already asked me out while I've lounged at a cantina or a restaurant, or just walking about. Only one of them was attractive enough for me to even acknowledge him. I had to remind myself that relationships are forbidden by Master because they cloud the judgment. And I must say, I agree._

_Everyone says that women are hard to understand, but I disagree. Men are too complicated, if you ask me. They seem to think that no means yes… if they even bother to allow you to answer their requests. _

_So I maintain my don't-bother-me attitude, because it's just easier that way. If I don't give them a chance, then nothing can or will happen. I do not want a relationship anyway, and I doubt I ever will. _

Luke smirked. She had, of course, broken that promise when she'd agreed to marry him, and Luke knew that she had been almost frightened by the dependency on another being. But once they had melded on Nirauan, she had held nothing back.

"Mara, I am so glad you found me!" Luke whispered aloud.


	6. A Fine Art Indeed

**A Fine Art Indeed**

Luke walked through the door to his quarters on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, and settled wearily into his favorite chair. He ran a hand through his hair, thinking of how tedious today's meetings had been.

Luke closed his eyes for a moment, taking the time to enjoy the peaceful quiet. Finally he rose, and made himself dinner. He retrieved Mara's journal and opened to the page he'd stopped on, and began to read between bites.

_Master has instructed me that I am to delve even deeper into the fine arts. I cannot say I am too thrilled about the "art" part of this, but Master says it's important, so I will do it. I already have dancing down pat. Master will not allow me to attend another opera or ballet until I have perfected the more physical arts. _

_I hope he doesn't expect me to become a master painter or sculpture, because that is beyond even my comprehension. I have checked out several volumes to read and study on the various physical arts such as painting. I must say, what I have read so far has nearly put me to sleep a dozen times already. _

_I will try my hand at a painting or two, just so I can get a more practical feel for it. I must study well, though, because in one week, Master will be taking me to an art show, where I will be required to inspect similar paintings. I will be required not only to critique the paintings in a way that makes artistic sense, but I will have to determine correctly which print is the original one. _

_Oh joy…_

_~M.J_

Luke set his fork down, and turned the page. He was mildly surprised to find a small drawing of a landscape. It was a set of three mountains overlooking a lake with a few trees. Beneath the drawing was a small inscription.

_Wow, this took me forever! I don't know how the painters do it, because I don't think I would have the guts to try coloring even this small picture. I'd ruin it for sure. I will have to try something larger scale, though, so wish me luck. _

_~M.J_

Luke studied the drawing for a long time, seeing little bits of Mara's practical nature in how the mountains were almost perfectly uniform. He also noted that with the erratic trees, her more intimate side was slightly revealed.

He took a small piece of flimsy, and put it in the page, so he could find the drawing again later. Finally, he turned the page.

_This has probably been one of the most… interesting nights I've had in a while. I am a little surprised and embarrassed to admit that I did have some fun at the art show. Little did I know that painters could be so… erratic!_

_It was almost comical, but had I laughed, Master would have had my head. So I performed my task, and I must say I did so brilliantly. The man I ended up comparing the prints with happened to be the artist. And when I pointed out that his brush strokes seemed a little too heavy for such an intimate piece of art, he just stared at me, dumbfounded._

_I don't think he was used to hearing negative things about his art. Even Master allowed his amusement to show that time. Score, one Mara!_

_I will say this though. Painting is more of a fine art than I could have previously imagined. And having tried my hand at it, my hat is off to the masters of this trade. It really is a 'fine art'._

_~M.J_


End file.
